IF YOU'RE NOT USING LUBRICANTS, YOU'RE MISSING
THE SLIPPERY SECRET OF SENSATIONAL SEX

They had been lovers for 15 years, and married for seven. She as a nurse, he was a partner in a small business. They were in their late-thirties and were erotically very comfortable with one another.

He knew that she loved to be caressed lightly all over with just his fingertips, loved to have him nibble on her ear lobes while whispering sexy intentions, loved his lips and tongue playing first with one nipple, then the other, and particularly loved his tongue swirling from her clitoris, around her vulva, and inside her.

She knew that he loved the noises she made when aroused, loved it when she ran her fingernails from the top of his head down his neck and back and over his butt, loved the way she climbed on him when he lay on his back and sat on his penis, and particularly loved the way she sucked its head while stoking the shaft with one hand and cupping his balls in the other.

He always waited until she was good and wet to enter her, and during intercourse, they both enjoyed a slow, sensual rhythm, alternating fucking with tongue play until they alternated orgasms.

But sometimes, especially when their sex lasted longer than one CD, she felt sore the next morning. As much as he loved feeling engulfed inside her, he offered to go with more tongue play and less intercourse. But she enjoyed the special closeness of holding him inside her and didn't want any less intercourse, even if it meant occasional soreness.

This went on for some months. Then, at a party, he happened to be introduced to a sex therapist. He took her aside and mentioned his wife’s soreness.

“Do you use a lubricant?” the therapist asked.

“No,” he replied. “She has no problem getting wet, and I give her lots of head.”

“That’s a good start,” the therapist replied, “but I bet a lubricant would help.”

The man called his wife over and related the therapist’s recommendation.

“No thanks,” she said. “My gynecologist uses it for pelvics. I can’t stand it."

“Your gynecologist probably uses KY jelly,” the therapist replied. “It smells medicinal and tastes terrible. Try Astroglide, or Probe. I bet you’ll like them.”

“But I thought lubricants were only for women who don’t get wet,” she said.

“Not at all,” the therapist replied. “I never have sex without lube. Try it on your vulva and inside your vagina and on his penis. I bet it relieves your soreness.”

THE OVERLOOKED ELEMENT IN SEX

Who indeed? Commercial lubricants are the slippery secret of sensational sex. Unfortunately, says Palo Alto, California, sex therapist Marty Klein, Ph.D., author of Ask Me Anything and operator of the Web site, www.SexEd.org. only a fraction of lovers use them: "Most sex books and many so-called sex experts present lubes only as a quasi-medical treatment for a condition that's been medicalized into a problem--insufficient vaginal self-lubrication. But vaginal dryness isn't a medical problem. It's just an inconvenience, a very common inconvenience--one that lubricants eliminate quickly and completely. And even among women who self-lubricate well, lubes enhance sex. I recommend them enthusiastically. I consider them the greatest invention since refrigeration. I just don't understand how people can think they're having good sex without using a lubricant."

Sexual lubricants have never been a focus of sex research, but all available evidence suggests that rather few lovers use them:

In the landmark 1994 Sex in America survey, the first to use a reasonably representative sample of Americans, University of Chicago researchers asked the women participants if lack of sufficient vaginal lubrication had been a problem for them during the previous year. Almost 20 percent said yes.

New York sex educator Betty Dodson, Ph.D., spent much of the 1980s teaching women’s sexual self-awareness workshops, and always recommended lubricants. "Half the women in my workshops,” she estimates, “complained that they did not produce enough natural lubrication to really enjoy sex. But very few had ever tried a commercial lubricant. Lubes were a revelation to them. They couldn’t thank me enough."

In 1995, as part of its “Toys in the Sheets” customer survey, Xandria, the nation's largest marketer of sex toys (www.Xandria.com), asked 1000 buyers how often they use lubricants with their toys. Many sex toy instruction sheets recommend lubricants. So do sex toy guides, for example, the video "The Complete Guide to Sex Toys and Devices" (produced by Pacific Media--www.pacificmedia.com). Yet a mere 26 percent of Xandria respondents said they used lubricants routinely, and only 41 percent said they used them during more than half of their sexual interludes.

When customers bought insertable sex toys at Good Vibrations, the woman-owned sex shop in San Francisco, employees Cathy Winks and Anne Semans, coauthors of The Good Vibrations Guide to Sex, routinely asked, "Do you have some lubricant to go with that?" The typical response was a blank look. "Of all people," Winks and Semans say, "you'd think sex toy buyers would understand the value--the necessity--of good lubrication. But no."

"Sexual lubricants are cheap, widely available, and definitely enhance sex," Klein says. "It's a total mystery to me why more people don't use them."

Why don't more lovers use lubes?

One reason is bad associations with gynecological exams, says Louanne Cole Weston, Ph.D., a sex therapist in Fair Oaks, California, near Sacramento. "Gynecologists spread KY Jelly on vaginal speculums before inserting them. Many women wind up associating lubricants with internal exams, which are decidedly nonerotic experiences. Beyond that, in my opinion, KY is probably the worst lube. It's gloppy and it smells medicinal. My husband and I use lube every time we make love, but never KY. We like Probe."

Another reason for general lubelessness is that many people believe that "normal" sex involves only the body, and nothing else. They consider lubricants unnatural. "Nonsense," says San Francisco sexologist Sandor Gardos, Ph.D., the sexuality guide for About.com. "Lubricants are as natural as any other sex enhancer not of the body: candle light, soft music, lingerie, a glass of wine, or a sexy video."

Some lovers consider lubricants "messy." If that's how you feel, Winks and Semans advise using just a little dab: "Most people who give lubes a chance gladly accept a little extra messiness for all the added comfort and pleasure they provide."

Then there's the objection that lubricants taste bad, which interferes with oral sex. Different lubes do, indeed, taste different. Winks and Semans suggest making an evening of taste testing several brands. You might also try Lube-a-Licious, safe, edible lubricants that come in four flavors: cherry, pina colada, strawberry, and watermelon. (Lube-a-Licious lubes may be hard to find in drug stores, but Xandria carries them for $9.95 apiece: www.xandria.com.)

Other lovers view lubes as an interruption. "Sure, it takes a moment to squeeze some lubricant onto your hand and then apply it," Dr. Gardos explains, "but when one lover reaches for the lube, the other knows that something very pleasurable is about to happen. Far from being an interruption, that moment of erotic anticipation can get you even hotter."

Heterosexual men have been generally left out of the lube loop. Gay men who engage in anal play routinely use lubricants, but in heterosexual relationships, lubes are considered a "woman's" thing. Wrong. Men can apply them to their lovers, and use them on their penises. "I use lube myself every time I have sex," Dr. Klein says. "On trips, I don't leave home without it."

VAGINAL LUBRICATION:
MASTERS AND JOHNSON GOT IT WRONG

Americans have been misled about sexual lubrication. In the 1960's, pioneering sex researchers William Masters, M.D., and Virginia Johnson described vaginal lubrication as one aspect of initial sexual arousal in women. They maintained that the vagina produces lubrication fairly quickly as women become aroused. But for many perfectly normal women, vaginal lubrication takes much longer to appear, and when it does, there may not be much of it.

To make matters worse, the erotic stories in such sex publications as Penthouse imply that every woman self-lubricates like Niagara Falls at the wink of any alluring eye: “Just being near Bill made my panties wet....” Not only is this way off the mark, but it has led to a destructive corollary, the notion that if a woman does not produce much natural lubrication, she is neither turned on to her lover nor committed to the relationship.

Instant gushing lubrication may happen to some women. But it’s much more common for a woman to feel committed to her relationship and erotically aroused by her lover, and still not self-lubricate much, if at all.

Some women naturally produce less vaginal lubrication than others. Just as height varies, so does propensity to self-lubricate. There is nothing wrong with women at any point along the self-lubrication spectrum, Dr. Weston says. It’s just who they are. Unfortunately, women who do not produce much lubrication often feel abnormal, even though they are not. (Meanwhile, women who become "too" self-lubricated may also feel abnormal, and suffer embarrassment about soaking the sheets. If this is an issue for you, try placing a towel or two under you.)

Estrogen is a major factor in vaginal self-lubrication, Winks and Semans explain. The more of the sex hormone in a woman's bloodstream, the better she self-lubricates. Estrogen production begins to decline during a woman's 40s as she approaches menopause. Some women notice decreased self-lubrication as early as their late-thirties. After menopause, vaginal dryness becomes a real problem for many womeen. Hormone replacement therapy may help, but even with supplemental estrogen, some postmenopausal women experience persistent vaginal dryness.

In reproductive-age women, estrogen levels fluctuate during the menstrual cycle Women often produce different amounts of lubrication at different times of the month, Winks and Semans note. Its viscosity may also vary. The same goes for pregnancy, childbirth, and nursing.

Emotional stress is also a factor in self-lubrication. Everything from job hassles to relationship tensions can impair sexual response in both men and women. In men, the result can be erection impairment. In women, stress can reduce self-lubrication.

Then there's travel. Even if you enjoy travel, it can be stressful, particularly if you travel far enough fast enough to produce jet lag. Along with jet lag, many women experience lube lag.

Drug use also affects self-lubrication, according to San Diego sexual medicine specialists Theresa Crenshaw, M.D., and James Goldberg, Ph.D., coauthors of Sexual Pharmacology. Many over-the-counter and prescription medications decrease vaginal lubrication, among them, alcohol, cigarettes, anything that dries the mouth (antihistamines, cold formulas, marijuana), and certain antidepressants (Elavil, Anafranil, Tofranil, and Sinequan, among others). Some women report that birth control pills reduce lubrication.

Extended loveplay is another lube depleter. Even women who produce a good deal of natural lubrication may like more during extended sex, or serial interludes.

Finally, sexual coercion can interfere with self-lubrication. During the 12 months covered in the Sex in America survey, 17 percent of women who had never been sexually coerced reported problems with self-lubrication. For women who had even been sexually coerced, the figure was 26 percent.

Masters and Johnson also missed the boat on male self-lubrication. Shortly before orgasm, the Cowper’s gland produces a few drops of lubricating fluid to moisten the head of the penis, facilitating insertion. Ideally, yes, but in reality, all the factors that affect women’s ability to become lubricated also apply to men. In addition, men’s natural lubrication rarely covers any more than the head of the penis. Without addition lubrication, the shaft of the penis may become irritated during intercourse and/or irritate the woman.

SO MANY USES....

The easy, elegant, economical, erotic answer to lubrication problems is a commercial lube. During masturbation, a few drops of lubricant can boost the pleasure of solo sex. Women’s natural lubrication may not make it all the way up to the clitoris. A little dab'll do ya. On the penis and scrotum, lubricant adds an extra erotic dimension. During vaginal fingering, lube helps especially during deep probing for a woman's G-spot. And for vaginal intercourse, don’t just lubricate the vulva and vagina. Try lubricating both the woman and anything that enters her.

Lubricants also eliminate many men's objections to condoms, by transmitting more erotic sensation. "This is easy to demonstrate," Dr. Gardos explains. "Close your mouth and dry your lips. Run a finger lightly over them, paying close attention to how your lips feel. Then, lick your lips. With your lips moist, run the same finger over them in the same way, again focusing on how it feels. Which feels more sensual? Lips moist, right? The most sensual sex is wet sex. The wetter, the better." Most condoms come pre-lubricated with silicone powder. But for many lovers, the silicone does not provide enough lubrication to allow easy insertion and prevent vaginal irritation. Add a drop of lube to the head of the penis before rolling on the condom, and men are less likely to express rubber reluctance. (Just don't apply too much lube inside a condom, or it might slip off during intercourse.) And coat the outside of condoms with lube before insertion.

Sex toy experts universally recommend lubricants with insertable toys, notably vibrators and dildos. Without lubrication, vaginal irritation is a real risk. "I always encourage people to use lubricants on sex toys," says Los Angeles sexologist Patti Britton, Ph.D., president of the Foundation for the Scientific Study of Sexuality. "But beyond that, lubricants are toys themselves. They help spur couples to be more sexually playful."

Finally, a lubricant is a must for any anal play, Winks and Semans insist. The most common complaint about anal sex is, "It hurts." A major reason is lack of lubrication. Unlike the vagina, the anal canal produces no natural lubrication. It’s also a smaller, tighter opening. No wonder that unlubricated probing can feel uncomfortable. "Use lubricant liberally in and around the anus and on whatever enters it—a finger, sex toy, or penis," Dr. Klein says. Replenish your lubricant frequently. In addition, the inserter should enter this erotic opening slowly and gently. Recipients often feel most comfortable when they control the speed, depth, and duration of insertion.

A note about anal lube products: Some anal lubricants contain an anesthetic (lidocaine or benzocaine), to help reduce discomfort. Read the label. Any ingredient ending in "caine" is an anesthetic. Be careful with these products. Discomfort is the body’s way of saying that something is wrong. Use of desensitizing products turns off the body’s own warning system and increases risk of injury. When lovers use lubricants in anal play and the receiving partner controls the action, anal explorations should not hurt.

However, if you like large areas of skin moistened during sex, you’ll probably feel best using a massage lotion instead of a sexual lubricant. Lubricants may leave a sticky residue. Massage lotions leave less.

TYPES OF LUBRICANTS

There are three types of lubricants—petroleum-based, oil-based, and water-based.

Petroleum-based lubricants are made from petroleum jelly, mineral oil, or petrolatum, these lubricants include: Vaseline products, baby oil, Anal Lube, and Men’s Cream, among others.

Petroleum lubricants destroy latex and should NEVER be used with condoms, diaphragms, or cervical caps. Latex deterioration occurs remarkably quickly, according to the Kinsey Institute. Within 60 seconds of contact, microscopic holes appear that are large enough for sperm or sexually transmitted disease organisms to pass through.

In addition, these lubricants should NEVER be used inside the vagina, Dodson says. They are difficult to wash out. They may also irritate the vaginal lining, and change vaginal chemistry, increasing risk of infection.

Finally, petroleum lubricants may stain linens and bed clothes. Nonetheless, these lubricants can be used safely and pleasurably for male masturbation and anal play.

Oil-based lubricants include: vegetable oils (olive, corn, etc.), Crisco, butter, and nut oils (avocado, peanut, etc.). They are available at supermarkets. Oils may stain and can be difficult to wash off. Use soap and water. Because they may compromise latex, they should NEVER be used with latex contraceptives. However, they are safe for use inside the vagina. "Among gay men," Dodson says, "Crisco is a favorite anal lube."

For most lovers, water-based lubes are the way to go. "I recommend only water-based lubricants," says Michael Plaut, Ph.D., an associate professor of psychiatry at the University of Maryland School of Medicine and president of the Society for Sex Therapy and Research. Water-based lubes wash off easily and don't deteriorate latex. Water-based lubricants include: Astroglide, Probe, Slippery Stuff, and ForPlay, among others. "I keep a bottle of Probe my office," Dr. Weston says, "and talk up lubrication to my sex therapy clients. I encourage them to put some on their hands to feel it, smell it, and taste it."

Water-based lubricants typically contain purified (deionized) water; glycerine, a syrupy-sweet emulsifier; propylene glycol, which helps the product retain moisture; and a preservative, typically methyl paraben, propyl paraben, or grapefruit seed extract. Water-based lubricants rarely cause irritation, however, strongly scented or flavored products may in those with sensitive skin.

Water-based lubricants claim to be "taste-free," but that’s not really true. Glycerine has a slightly sweet taste. Grapefruit seed extract tastes slightly bitter. And some lubricants contain the spermicide nonoxynol-9, which tastes soapy and medicinal, and may temporarily numb the tongue. The flavored lubricants, Lube-a-Licious, mentioned earlier, are water-based.

During extended lovemaking, water-based lubricants often dry out. You can apply more. Or revive them with a little water or saliva. Some people keep a small bowl of water by the bed and dip their fingers into it. Others use a spray mister. "My husband and I use a mister," Dr. Weston explains. "Just when you think the lubricant is all gone, with a spritz or two, it reactivates. We used to apply more lube, but found that spritzing is more fun."

After sex, rinse water-based lubricants off with a warm, moist wash cloth.

GETTING YOUR FINGERS WET

Water-based lubes have different consistencies. Some are thicker and more jelly-like. Others are thinner and more watery. Experiment. An easy way to test several brands is to buy Xandria.com's Lubricant Sampler Kit, which contains small samples of five different lubes. ($12.95 from www.xandria.com).

Don’t squirt lubricants directly on your lover. That feels cold and can be a turn-off. Instead, apply a small amount to your hand and caress your honey with your lubricated hand. Applying lubricant to the hand warms it, allowing it to go on more comfortably. The whole point of using a lubricant is to make sensual touch feel more erotic. Apply your lubricant with loving caresses.

As one lube convert told Winks and Semans: "Once I started using lube, my sex life improved 1 million percent. It makes everything better."

After their little chat at the party with the sex therapist, the couple stopped off at a drug store and were surprised to discover a half-dozen brands of lubricants. They picked one whose name they liked.

The therapist said a lubricant would relieve the woman’s soreness. It did. It also enhanced their lovemaking in general. A few months later, as they enjoyed a languid afterglow in each other’s arms, she said, “I can’t believe we did it all those years without lube.”

“Me, too,” he replied, drawing her close. “Who knew?”