FANTASIES OF OTHER WOMEN DURING SEX:
ARE THEY OKAY? OR AM I BEING “MENTALLY UNFAITHFUL”?

Great sex is a combination of friction and fantasy. Everyone enjoys the friction. But some feel uncomfortable about the fantasy.

A common sexual myth is that lovers should be completely wrapped up in each other, banishing from their minds all other thoughts--especially fantasies of sex with anyone else. However, while in the throes of passion, most people have thoughts of other lovers--old partners, movie stars, a friend’s mate, the waitress at lunch--you name it. Many people also feel guilty about such fantasies. They consider it “mental unfaithfulness.” Relax. It’s perfectly normal to fantasize having sex with someone other than your regular lover. “Fantasies of other lovers are probably the most common sexual fantasies,” Klein says.

At the University of Vermont, researchers surveyed 178 sexually active adults, 84 percent of whom admitted that while making love, they fantasized about having sex with others. They also frequently fantasized about sex that was “kinkier” than what they actually did, or wanted to do, for example, sex in public, group sex, or bondage. One-quarter of the group expressed “significant guilt” about their fantasies, calling them immoral, abnormal, and harmful to their relationships. Subsequently, the researchers surveyed the participants about their sexual satisfaction. Those who fantasized the most enjoyed the greatest sexual satisfaction and the fewest sex problems. Those who felt guilty about their fantasies tended to be sexually disatisfied and reported the most sex problems.

University of Louisville researchers corroborated these findings. They surveyed 117 women, age 26 to 78 about their sexual daydreams. Those who daydreamed about sex the most--no matter what the content--enjoyed the most overall sexual satisfaction.

Still, many people feel guilty about their sexual fantasies. A survey conducted for the New York Times asked: As long as you are faithful to your partner, do you think it’s okay to fantasize about having sex with someone else? Forty-eight percent said it was harmful to fantasize about other lovers vs. 46 percent who said it was healthy.

Why are so many people opposed to fantasies of other lovers? “They worry that having such fantasies raises questions about their commitment to their real-life relationship,” says Harold Leitenberg, the University of Vermont psychology professor who conducted the study mentioned above. If you’re in a basically happy relationship, sex experts agree that fantasies of other people do not imply any dissatisfaction with your primary relationship. “Many people have fantasies about what they’d do if they won the Lotto,” Weston says. “That doesn’t mean they hate their lives.”

What a shame that so many people feel it’s wrong to engage in something as normal as wide-ranging sexual fantasies. Sex is a spiritual experience, a kind of meditation, if you will. In meditation, people take a break from their chores, sit quietly, breathe deeply, and try to empty their minds, transcending themselves to connect with the world beyond them. But mind-emptying is not easy. Random thoughts dart in and out of conscioussness. Meditators are taught to accept these thoughts without judging them, no matter how bizzare they might be. Fleeting thoughts are simply there to be observed and then dismissed, as meditators emerge refreshed and relaxed from their contemplative time-out.

Lovemaking is similar. Lovers take a break from the rest of their busy lives. But instead of sitting quietly, they substitute erotic explorations, while breathing deeply, and transcending themselves to feel deeply connected with each other, afterward emerging refreshed and relaxed from their sensual, meditative interlude.

It might be nice to empty your mind of all thoughts unrelated to your lover. But as in meditation, that’s usually impossible. Fantasies happen. You can’t help it. Perhaps you flash on sex with a movie star, or your dentist’s receptionist, or the girl who sat next to you in 11th grade English. Fantasies, even wild ones, are normal--and quite common. In one study, half of women admitted fantasies of being sexually dominated, even forced to have sex, while half of the men admitted fantasies of dominating women sexually and “taking” them. Just as in meditation, try to accept your fantasies without judging them. They are no reflection on your morality, faithfulness, or mental health. In meditation and in sexual fantasy, everything is permitted and nothing is wrong.

Of course, it’s important to distinguish between fantasy and reality. That applies not only to fantasies of sexual domination and submission (which are almost as common as fantasies of other lovers), but also to fantasies that are more mundane.

Fantasies are not only normal, they also enhance sex. Recall that good sex involves friction and fantasy. “Friction has limits,” Alperstein explains. “There are only so many ways one person can touch another. But fantasy has no limits. Our ‘wildest dreams’ are a safe way to become very aroused, which is how fantasy can help a good love life feel even better.”

What about fantasies of situations you’d never want to act out in real life? They’re fine, too. The range of images people find arousing is usually broader than the range of activities they enjoy. A man might fantasize rescuing a woman from a burning building without the slightest wish to be caught in a fire on the 14th floor.

Sexual fantasies signal a problem only if you consistently fantasize about sex with one specific other person. “That’s a sign of a possible relationship problem,” Weston says. But here we’re not focusing on falling out of love with one person and in love with someone else. We’re concerned with true fantasies--the marvelous, unexpected, at times crazy or disturbing notions that pop up momentarily during sex, and then go their merry way.

The comedian, Rodney Dangerfield, tells a story of making love with his girlfriend, and things aren’t going very well. They’re both cranky, and neither gets turned on. Finally Dangerfield asks, “What’s the matter? Can’t you think of anyone either?”

Should you share your fantasies with your lover? That depends on you, your lover, your fantasies, and your mutual comfort talking about sex. Some couples share fantasies to arouse themselves or each other. If you’d like to try this, begin with an innocuous fantasy, for example, you’re out for the evening, and you fantasize that she wears a skirt but no panties. Does such sharing arouse you both? Does it bring you closer? Or does it turn off either or both of you? If sharing an innocuous fantasy is a mutual turn-on, you might slowly progress to sharing riskier fantasies until you and your lover reach your comfort limit. If sharing an innocuous fantasy is a turn-off, stop doing it.

Grant yourself and your lover freedom of fantasy. Sexual fantasies are normal, healthy, and sex enhancing. If your sex life feels boring, use your imagination. Try some new fantasies. You’ll probably enjoy better sex.